Ripped Off Horoscopes For Ya

(The following was something I ripped off from the Cairo Jazz Club...)

"The horoscopes were compiled by chanelling the spirits of Nermal the cat, Mighty Mouse, The Transformers, and other loser cartoon characters throught the gay Teletubby."

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 21)
Take a great big deep breath early on in the month, and prepare for a severely heavy workload. This will be a blessing in disguise, because you need the work to get your mind off your personal life. Take care of your finances though; don't be tempted to blow a hole in your wallet just because it's there. Forward thinkg is key!

Taurus (Apr 22 - May 21)
You need to do some serious thinking about your long-term goals, and where you see yourself five or ten years down the line. Even though you're very successful now, what's your ultimate goal? What are the costs and benefits of going for it? Big questions that need big thinking. It's time to make use of your analytical skills, and apply them to your life.

Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21)
Things are coming apart at the seams, but you are still holding the fort. You've never been a quitter, so anything less just wouldn't become you. In the same vein, there will be change aplenty this month, both good and bad. However, when you do your accoutning at the end of April, it'll all come out balanced, and you'll be amazed at what you've been able to navigate through yet again, consider the extremely rocky ride.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23)
Your recent career change has proven to you that bureaucracy and bullshit is pervasive no matter where you go. You can run, but you can't hide! But since this pays better, enjoy the heavy pockets until you get sick of this too and decide to move on again.

Leo (Jul 24 - Aug 23)
Your health is your Achilles heel this month. A spate of ill health is going to follow you around, and just when you thought you'd got over that bad spell, it'll catch up with you again. Don't worry; you'll eventually be rid of it. On the upside, you'll be the centre of attention for a while!

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Strange cravings will overcome you this month. You'll yearn to do things that are just not your usual fare, and you'll be into things that people would have never expected you'd even be interested in. You'll have fun pursuing these new avenues, so go for it. You're only going to live once.

Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
Expect a surprise visit from someone you wouldn't have thought you'd see again so soon. April is going to be something out of the ordinary for you. Your comfortable routine will be pushed off its tracks in a big way, but just keep your cool. It could turn out to be great.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
You need some focus in your life, and soon. Shifting about aimlessly isn't going to make things happen for you. Take a trip, change the scenery, do whatever you have to do to get your creative energies flowing again, and focus them on your life. It's definitely makeover time!

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have turned a new page in your life, and you feel exhilarated. Take full advantage of the upcoming free time to think and reflect on what it is you want to do, and what path you want to take. The worst thing you can do at this point is rush into something new without really giving yourself a chance for thought and reflection.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Even though work will not be all-consuming this month, you'll find that you'll be kept completely busy finishing up little takss that you've had on your to do list for ages, and that you need to finally get done. You're also feeling bored with a place where you spend a lot of your time, and it's stifling you. Rather than throwing in the towel and moving elsewhere, see if you can give the place a makeover. It might do wonders.

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Your mind is wandering to places it really shouldn't be wandering to. This means you have to take another look at a personal relationship and see where things are not right, and fix them. If you don't have the inclination or the courage to do that, the honest thing to do is to move on and not string people along.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
The sprawling metropolis that is XXX has become all too small for you, giving you a serious case of claustrophobia. The only thing for you is to become a serial vacationer. Which is just as well since you desperately need to meet some new people anyway.